Unhappy winners

After the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics, researchers from Cornell University studied the facial expressions of all the athletes who won gold, silver, and bronze medals. They analyzed footage of ceremonies and television interviews and found that gold medalists seemed the happiest.
What a shock, right?
But they also noticed something surprising: The bronze medalists seemed much happier than the silver medalists.
How could athletes who finished third be happier than athletes who finished second? The answer lies in understanding what psychologists call counterfactual thinking, or what the rest of us call, "Wait; if only..."
In simple terms (handily enough the only terms I understand), counterfactual thinking occurs when we imagine how things might have turned out. When something happens -- especially something significant -- we think about alternatives to our current reality in order to place that event in context.
Counterfactual thinking sometimes makes us feel good about where we are in comparison to where we could be. And sometimes it makes us feel worse. Either way, we do a lot of comparing: Between where we are and where we could have been... both positively and negatively.
So take the silver medalists: They used an upper counterfactual, meaning they judged themselves in comparison to the gold medalists. As a result their, "Wait... but what if?" questions fell along the lines of, "Wait; if only I had just trained harder... then I might have won a gold medal," or, "Wait; if only I had just gotten a little better start... then I could have finished first."
Silver medalists tended to dwell on what they could have done differently to win the gold.
Contrast that with the bronze medalists. They used a downward counterfactual, meaning they judged themselves in comparison to all of the people who didn't win any medal. By comparing themselves to what could have been -- no medal at all -- the bronze medalists felt thrilled just to be standing on the podium.
And that made them seem happier than the silver medalists.

Passion's search for destiny

Passion's search for destiny.

She was haunted by a man whom she had never met.  He came to her in her dreams.  It was not just a reoccurring dream about some random Prince Charming archetype.  This guy had flaws.  He was just as mixed up and lost as she was.  She would wake up from a dead sleep to the sound of his voice whispering in her ear, "Look out the window."  She would argue in her half asleep stupor, "Be quiet!  I'm sleeping!"  Again, he would whisper, "Look out the window."  She would eventually drag herself up from the cozy comfort of her bed to gaze out the window.  There was the full moon big and beautiful.  It magically called to her from somewhere in the back of her soul's oldest memories.

She could feel him there, her ghostly suitor.  She knew that if she spun around quickly, he would be standing there behind her, but every time she turned, there was nothing there but silence and darkness.  Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she could hear him silently promising, "Wait for me. I'll find you if it's the last thing I do."  She would toss and turn for the rest of the night feeling his intense presence and wrestling with the fact that he was not 'real'.

 As the years went on, she would learn that he did not know her name and that he called her Destiny.  She began to call him Passion.  She was not allowed to search for him.  She was to sit still and wait.  It was part of the game, part of the agreement.  His challenge for this lifetime was to search for his Destiny.  After all, what is Passion without Destiny?  He had to learn how to recognize her.  She had to learn how to wait in blind faith that he would find her.  Both had to live real lives with real mates.  Neither could shake the very real belief that the other one existed somewhere out there.

How many times would she convince herself that the man standing in front of her was her Passion?  How many times would it not be true?  How would she know when it was finally him?  How many women would he mistake for her?  Would Passion and Destiny burn out and give up, writing it all off as just some figment of their imaginations?  Do soul mates really exist?  Or are we looking for an impossible ideal?

A soul mate is not just someone that you love from the depth of your soul.  They are not just someone that you have a karmic connection with.  They are not just someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  They are someone you miss hanging out with before you have even met.  They are the one that upon first meeting you simply sigh in relief and say, "Ah there you are, I've been waiting for you."  There is no questioning, no 'getting to know you' stage.  You have known them for all of eternity.  You may want to share the stories of your journeys and how you came to find each other, but you already 'know' them as well as you know yourself.  You see yourself in their eyes.  You understand them on a soul level because you share the same source.

Unfortunately, it is not always a blissful experience.  Most of us are not ready to meet our other halves because we are not even ready to look ourselves in the mirror.  Until you can truly love and accept yourself, then you will not be able to love and accept your soulmate.  They are not some fantasy person sent to save you from the ups and downs of real life.  They will not make your life a magic perfect delight.  They are not sent to rescue you, fix you, or even to make you happy.  They will simply love you on a level that is unlike any other.

If you do not hear the call of a long lost soulmate, count yourself as blessed.  I mean this with all of my heart.  You are the lucky ones, those who never hear the soft whisper of a far away soulmate.  You have the freedom to love anyone you choose.  You get to make any kind of match that pleases you.  Do not try to force a soulmate relationship.  Be content in knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are meant to do.

If on the other hand, you do hear your Passion calling, or you see Destiny in your dreams, then my prayers go out to you my dear.  For yours is that path of finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.  Do not ask me to tell you if they are worth the hunt.  Can you bring yourself to give up the hunt even if you tried?  Only you can gauge your ability to silence that cosmic voice calling you to hold out for that certain person that only you will recognize.  Only you know what it is going to take to find them.  Perhaps the angels will smile upon the two of you and help with some old-fashioned happenstance.  Perhaps you will telepathically connect and find your way into each others arms.  Perhaps you were just meant to experience the longing.  Perhaps you will go through some bad relationships first so that when you find your Destiny, she will be that much sweeter and more appreciated.  Nobody knows for sure how it will play out.  But I believe that on some level, deep down, you know.

Did you already meet your soul mate and choose to walk away from each other?  Was the intensity too much?  Did it scare you?  Was it overwhelming?  Was it too hard?  Will you have a second chance with them later down the road?  Will you miss them forever?  Yeah, probably.  Will you learn something about unconditional love from them?  Yeah, probably.

Did you find each other and recognize the fact that they shared the same soul as you?  Did you hold on tight?  Count yourselves as the very rare and incredibly blessed.  Cherish the gift of finding yourself in another's eyes and seeing just how beautiful you are.

The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself Today

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.
Everybody wants that -- it's easy to want that.
If I ask you, "What do you want out of life?" and you say something like, "I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like," it's so ubiquitous that it doesn't even mean anything.
Everyone wants that. So what's the point?
What's more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.
Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence -- but not everyone is willing to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, with the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.
Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship -- but not everyone is willing to go through the tough communication, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder "What if?" for years and years and until the question morphs from "What if?" into "What for?" And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, "What was it all for?" If not for their lowered standards and expectations for themselves 20 years prior, then what for?
Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.
At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we're willing to sustain.
"Nothing good in life comes easy," we've been told that a hundred times before. The good things in life we accomplish are defined by where we enjoy the suffering, where we enjoy the struggle.
People want an amazing physique. But you don't end up with one unless you legitimately love the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.
People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don't end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to love the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not. Some people are wired for that sort of pain, and those are the ones who succeed.
People want a boyfriend or girlfriend. But you don't end up attracting amazing people without loving the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It's part of the game of love. You can't win if you don't play.
What determines your success is "What pain do you want to sustain?"
I wrote in an article last week that I've always loved the idea of being a surfer, yet I've never made consistent effort to surf regularly. Truth is: I don't enjoy the pain that comes with paddling until my arms go numb and having water shot up my nose repeatedly. It's not for me. The cost outweighs the benefit. And that's fine.
On the other hand, I am willing to live out of a suitcase for months on end, to stammer around in a foreign language for hours with people who speak no English to try and buy a cell phone, to get lost in new cities over and over and over again. Because that's the sort of pain and stress I enjoy sustaining. That's where my passion lies, not just in the pleasures, but in the stress and pain.
There's a lot of self development advice out there that says, "You've just got to want it enough!"
That's only partly true. Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something badly enough. They just aren't being honest with themselves about what they actually want that bad.
If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.
If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all.
So I ask you, "How are you willing to suffer?"
Because you have to choose something. You can't have a pain-free life. It can't all be roses and unicorns.
Choose how you are willing to suffer.
Because that's the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.
The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?
Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change your life. It's what makes me me and you you. It's what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.
So what's it going to be?

Mark Manson, the original writer of this piece, is an entrepreneur, author and world traveler.

Chinese Bamboo

I was watching a video of Les Brown. A motivational speaker from a time when, well, a long time ago.

He said this amazing thing about the Chinese Bamboo and then I looked it up on Google. It seems when you decide to cultivate the Chinese bamboo for the first season nothing grows. All you see is barren land, the way it was before you put anything into it. You need to, however, keep watering it and fertilizing it for another year. And still! at the end of the second year, you still see nothing on the surface. For the entire duration. Every day. You need to keep on diligently watering and nourishing the ground because you have for some godforsaken reason decided to grow Chinese bamboo!

And now it gets worse. The Chinese bamboo takes four frustrating years to break the ground.

For four long years you are watering, nourishing and fertilizing barren land or at least so it seems, to anyone and everyone who sees you at the task.

Some might think you've lost it, many others will voice their opinion on how you are wasting your time and effort for an eternity and have nothing to show for.

Now here the amazing thing about this stubborn, patience testing Mr. Bamboo. Once it breaks the ground after a gestation of four years, within the first season itself, the bamboo grows a massive eighty feet. Almost the entire adult size. EIGHTY FEET! in one year.

The point to ponder on, is did it grow that massive size in the one season that it was shooting towards the sky, or did the growth originate over the four years of diligent and disciplined nurturing? Aren't our goals, and targets very similar to this? Would that shoot have even broken the surface if it weren't watered, and tended to, with unquestioning patience?

For the fitness freaks here. The rest and nutrition that follows all the grunting and pushing in the gym is what results in an admirable self.
For the sports nuts, the numerous hours you put in perfecting a shot, getting your footing right, training in solitude in the mud and grime results in that brief stellar performance applauded by many.

For the suit and tie donning robots, the entrepreneurs and hopeless dreamers, how you tend to your goal when no one's watching you, with nothing on the balance sheet and no swanky office yet to show for, through the storm of doubting and questioning looks results in something worthy of praise and admiration from those very disbelievers.

Now that you are done reading this. Pick up that bucket and go water your bamboo.
(yuck, that sounds cheesy)

Better sore than sorry

The only one thing that you can do today to get you one step closer to
where you often wish you were, is action. When you get up change and walk out the front door, your body, that voice in your head that urges you to sleep some more or laze it off, has no choice but to kit up and come along with you.

Its amazing how many of us complain of running out of breath or lack of energy to take you through the course of your week, or an increasing tendency to do nothing and laze off entire evenings or afternoons or day dream about being on the field.
While the solution is well within our reach.
Living in Pune we are never too far away from a hill-side for a jog, or a school/coll ground, or a badminton court to get together and play, or a space within your society to throw some hoops, swim or run.

I'm certain of the 24 hours that we have so meticulously divided and dedicated to dinners, parties, get togethers, roaming around and doing nothing; we can manage to make an hour or two of fitness time to do some good to a body put through much neglect and abuse.

And since all of you have been engaged in sports at some point in time in the past, ask yourself if you have ever been put through a grueling practice session, or ran till sweat drips off your chin, or pushed a few more repetitions than usual and woken up the next day to regret it.
Never isn't it? Maybe a little sore, but never sorry.

So why stop now?
Wake up. Don't hit snooze. Kit up. Get out.

Mind over matter

We are surrounded by naysayers and disbelievers.

People who will enlist a truckload of reasons why you will fail on a chosen path before they can point out one reason why you should go for it. It becomes increasingly difficult to ignore those voices when they come from your close ones. Friends and family especially. But that’s when you reach for and hold on tightly to one inalienable truth. What you can and cannot do depends majorly on what you think you are capable of. The most powerful, versatile and equally volatile weapon at your behest is your mind and how you control what goes on within it. Let me stop before I get too preachy and ask you to retrospect. When was the last time you were up against a formidable task. An opponent on the field, a mountain to climb, a deadline too close, a challenge deemed grueling and too difficult but you decided to take it on nevertheless and prevailed. Try and think about your state of mind then and I’m sure one of the main reasons you overcame was merely because you believed you could. Strongly and firmly. And no matter what happened around you or what people said, you knew deep down you could and everything else followed suit when the moment came.

I stumbled on this story recently of how until April 1955 everyone in the world believed that it was impossible for mankind to break the 4 minute barrier. They believed it was impossible for anyone to run a mile under 4 minutes. And then along came a certain Roger Bannister who proved them wrong. The significance of this story is what happened after that. Since that day till today, over twenty five thousand people have broken that barrier and many of them include high school kids. Twenty five thousand! Do you know what changed?

When the people after bannister stepped on the track, they knew that someone else had done it before them. They knew it was not impossible. They believed that if he could they could too. The key word here is they believed.

This true story exemplifies the power of your own mind. Of belief. When training at the highest level most of the trainers put their teams and athletes through session of what is commonly called visualization. The sportsmen are asked to isolate and focus on what they need to do. Visualize themselves run, or hit a ball, or jump a hurdle. Picture them performing that act and here’s the wonder, when they train after, the body performs better. Its almost like your body has been given a step by step handbook of what it is to do and how and it follows it to the ‘T’.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that we all have a want list of thing we would like own, places we would like to be, how we would like to look and feel, podiums we want to stand on and feel what it tastes like to be the best. Things we want to work out for ourselves personally. Professionally. Materialistically. Emotionally.

What if you were told that everything you wanted was possible, all you had to do was believe in yourself with enough conviction to drown out the doubts of others and more importantly yourself. And when you get there and look back what you've just achieved, you will realize you've just broken a mental barrier and now everything else you deem possible is within reach.

As simple as it sounds, it’s not an easy task to do. But once done, nothing is impenetrable.

Time Travel

The zapateado that echoed in this place still rang in my ears every time I visited it.
As a kid I had, on more than one occasion, stamped my feet to match the euphoric rhythm of the crowd on these very slabs of concrete. It was customary here, since that made more din that the usual clapping. (And also sounded more awesome)
This time around too that all too familiar rumble buried in my memory it had begun playing in the far depths of my mind. I took my place in the orderly formation we usually took. On those very grounds.
In ways more than one, back in time!

Rewind a few more years to a chilly morning. Me and a few close friends that I have played football with for a good part of the last ten years, met at the MIT grounds for a kick about. After our game I see this group of girls trying to kick a football around. A sight which looked more like someone trying to ice skate for the first time. The clumsiness was hilarious. I then see them again, the next day and the next, for the entire week that followed. And they still looked like ice skaters thrown into a rink for the first time. No technique. No skill. But their persistence was overwhelming. So I walked up to them and offered a few tips on how to go about controlling the ball, turning, passing and jogging with it under control. Simple stuff really. I was impressed by their persistence to learn a sport I held so dearly, hence had offered to help.
Oh bull shit! I am no saint. The truth was I saw a bunch of pretty things in shorts and walked up to them hoping to be perceived as a saviour. Simple. But it soon dawned that I had bitten off more than I could chew. They were practicing for a tournament which was a few weeks away and they were miles away from ready. Thankfully there was only four teams participating. Which hilariously meant one lucky win and the team was in the finals! I have no idea how we managed to score and before I knew it the team was playing their first finals. We lost though, by a solitary goal. And by doing so, I automatically became their unofficial coach. I happily obliged. How could anyone refuse so many girls, after all?

All said and done, there I was, coaching them. The next season came a lot faster than expected. But it gave me time to work on their basics. the team could now pass around and understood that there was no need for all of them to charge at the ball at the same time. Players now knew the difference between a free-kick, a corner kick and a goal kick. wow! Even I was impressed at the progress made. Result: There were girls in jerseys and talking football lingo. Could there be anything sexier?

Part of the team from the first year.
A well earned dinner after claiming one of our first tournaments

There are roughly six tournaments in an academic year that engineering college girls teams can participate in. Most of them are small sided tournaments with only the university playoffs and MITs own tournament called 'Summit', which were the standard 11-a-side affairs. Of all the tournaments, I considered the University tournament as the most coveted. Simply since every college that has a team turns up to play. Commerce, arts, physical education, Science students. basically, everyone who can kick a ball and its not just restricted to Engineering colleges only. And some of them are pretty good comprising of girls playing for local football clubs too. My first season, we ended up winning two of the six tourneys. Not bad for a start I thought. University if I remember correctly, was a first round knock out for us.

About the same time, is when I was a regular at Deccan XI football club too (as a player). Deccan has the fierce reputation of only fielding the best from amongst their lot. And their "lot" is a bunch of about 200 odd kids who one day hope to don the team's jersey and the chance of getting a few matches to play each season. I had joined the club a few years back and went for practice whenever I found time from my work and other shenanigans. While coaching the girls and I realised I really had no right to push them to their limits when didn't do it myself. I hence made a conscious effort to make practice more often else train whenever I could find time. Basically; Walk the walk. Before I tell them to run a mile, I do so myself.
And that is when the magic began.

Basking. In goa.
We bagged the Bits-Pilani tourney.
(A national level tournament)

I started seeing a drastic difference in what I perceived as attainable and within reach. I was now able to compete with the best at Deccan. And I did the same with the girls. Started pushing their limits. Introducing them to newer training methods. More complex formations. drills. and making sure every time they stepped on the training pitch, they left having gained something. I had to know what each of the players was capable of and then push that limit.

I was not around for most of the third year. Work took me to Delhi. where i spent most of the season at the time the girls had their matches. My younger brother, Amal and Abhijeet, a very close friend of mine stepped in to help. In the midst of my work in Delhi, I get a call where all I hear is yelling and screaming which I eventually figured was the entire team - phone on loudspeaker - "We reached the University finals!". I was in bliss. University finals!!! The feeling is pure exhilaration. Obviously the credit here goes mainly to Abhijeet and Amal. They were the ones who took them through most of the season. Two girls from the team got selected to play for University-Districts that season.
By the end of the season, other teams had begun to take notice of a certain girls team from MIT. At 8.30 on an unforgettable evening, I get a call from one of the girls. She said, "Akil, I'm in Akola." (I think it was Akola. I could be wrong) "I'm here for the district matches. I just wanted to thank you. I have never played football in my life. I would have never gotten here without you. I cant explain the feeling. I have my first match tomorrow morning" I spoke nothing through the call. For the first time I had nothing witty or wicked to say. I had goosebumps all over. I ended hanging up, after saying, "Best of luck for tomorrow".

The fourth year was insanity! I pushed the team to the limit. They were now playing a level of football that surprised even me. I made them enter inter-club matches hoping they would get roughed up and bashed by the regulars. Surprisingly, they gave even those team a run for their money. And simultaneously, I did pretty well at Deccan too. That is when the obvious dawned on me. It was them, inspiring me. All along. It was them bringing out the competitiveness in me. Prompting me to deliver my best at every task. If I wanted them to reach my benchmarks, I first had to reach mine.

The team from my last year with them.
Just before kick off at the Cummins tournament finals. Notice the lack of an audience. It was a 6-a-side and both MIT teams reached the finals from their respective groups. The finals hence was Mit-A v/s Mit-B.
(A feat never before and never again achieved by any other team) As a result. none of the other teams, including the organizers turned up to watch the finals. How sporting of them!

By the end of the season and my tenure with the team about eight of the girls had played for District, four of them played State and three played Nationals. None of whom had ever played football in their lives before. In the last year, the team played the finals of all six tournaments in the year and won four.
Its not everyday, when someone sitting in an office, going through the grind and reminiscing about college and school, is gifted an opportunity to go back in time and re-live it. I was fortunate enough to take that trip. Through each of the team's tournaments I was reliving a moment in that was buried back in time. Through each of their victories, I was on a trip in a much cherished age. Right in the middle of the chaos, the crowds surrounding the pitch, the chants by your college support, the slurs by the opposition. The meetings before crucial matches like our futures depended on it. Contributing money to make sweatshirts. Unconditional teamwork. Everything that spells "The golden years". Each priceless. And it was my good fortune to chance on a team as inspiring and motivated as the one I had the opportunity to coach. I learnt much more than I coached.

With the highest scorer of the tournament
and the winners trophy at Vincent's

And my season with Deccan coinciding with this year was A-kil-ler. Hah Hah. I was playing the finals of our first tourney of the season scoring nine of the team's fourteen goals scored to get there.The finals were played at St. Vincent's. Another trip back in time!
I was back, playing on the very ground. where I had spent ten years of my life. Watched by a crowd that sat on the very stadium I did as a kid and cheered and screamed as our school athletes and teams demolished opponents. We won and I scored three of the five Deccan scored in the finals. That turned out to be one of the most memorable seasons of my tenure with Deccan. I eventually hung my boots along with my coach's whistle at the end of that year. The last sweet gift I received was when the management of Deccan approached me and said, "Get these girls to register for the club. We would like to start a girls team with them for club level matches." That, was the birth of the Deccan XI girls team. Time travel is a thing of the past for me now. But not in the least forgotten. Those travels back in time laid the foundation to an attitude I still use to tackle 'Tomorrow'.
An attitude that has shown me how nothing is forever beyond your reach and I am reminded of Vince Lombardi's words, "Winning is not everything. Wanting to win is".

My travels lie ahead of me now. Into the uncharted, murky and uncertain tomorrow.
I take one deep breath before I decide to plunge into it head on. Muttering under my breath.
Bring it on!

The MIT-'B' team

The Mit-'A' team

Together, along with a few who passed out, they made up the MIT girls football team.
These were my sources of inspiration.

The Deccan Girls team won their first trophy a few months after the team's inception.