Passion's search for destiny

Passion's search for destiny.

She was haunted by a man whom she had never met.  He came to her in her dreams.  It was not just a reoccurring dream about some random Prince Charming archetype.  This guy had flaws.  He was just as mixed up and lost as she was.  She would wake up from a dead sleep to the sound of his voice whispering in her ear, "Look out the window."  She would argue in her half asleep stupor, "Be quiet!  I'm sleeping!"  Again, he would whisper, "Look out the window."  She would eventually drag herself up from the cozy comfort of her bed to gaze out the window.  There was the full moon big and beautiful.  It magically called to her from somewhere in the back of her soul's oldest memories.

She could feel him there, her ghostly suitor.  She knew that if she spun around quickly, he would be standing there behind her, but every time she turned, there was nothing there but silence and darkness.  Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she could hear him silently promising, "Wait for me. I'll find you if it's the last thing I do."  She would toss and turn for the rest of the night feeling his intense presence and wrestling with the fact that he was not 'real'.

 As the years went on, she would learn that he did not know her name and that he called her Destiny.  She began to call him Passion.  She was not allowed to search for him.  She was to sit still and wait.  It was part of the game, part of the agreement.  His challenge for this lifetime was to search for his Destiny.  After all, what is Passion without Destiny?  He had to learn how to recognize her.  She had to learn how to wait in blind faith that he would find her.  Both had to live real lives with real mates.  Neither could shake the very real belief that the other one existed somewhere out there.

How many times would she convince herself that the man standing in front of her was her Passion?  How many times would it not be true?  How would she know when it was finally him?  How many women would he mistake for her?  Would Passion and Destiny burn out and give up, writing it all off as just some figment of their imaginations?  Do soul mates really exist?  Or are we looking for an impossible ideal?

A soul mate is not just someone that you love from the depth of your soul.  They are not just someone that you have a karmic connection with.  They are not just someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with.  They are someone you miss hanging out with before you have even met.  They are the one that upon first meeting you simply sigh in relief and say, "Ah there you are, I've been waiting for you."  There is no questioning, no 'getting to know you' stage.  You have known them for all of eternity.  You may want to share the stories of your journeys and how you came to find each other, but you already 'know' them as well as you know yourself.  You see yourself in their eyes.  You understand them on a soul level because you share the same source.

Unfortunately, it is not always a blissful experience.  Most of us are not ready to meet our other halves because we are not even ready to look ourselves in the mirror.  Until you can truly love and accept yourself, then you will not be able to love and accept your soulmate.  They are not some fantasy person sent to save you from the ups and downs of real life.  They will not make your life a magic perfect delight.  They are not sent to rescue you, fix you, or even to make you happy.  They will simply love you on a level that is unlike any other.

If you do not hear the call of a long lost soulmate, count yourself as blessed.  I mean this with all of my heart.  You are the lucky ones, those who never hear the soft whisper of a far away soulmate.  You have the freedom to love anyone you choose.  You get to make any kind of match that pleases you.  Do not try to force a soulmate relationship.  Be content in knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are meant to do.

If on the other hand, you do hear your Passion calling, or you see Destiny in your dreams, then my prayers go out to you my dear.  For yours is that path of finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.  Do not ask me to tell you if they are worth the hunt.  Can you bring yourself to give up the hunt even if you tried?  Only you can gauge your ability to silence that cosmic voice calling you to hold out for that certain person that only you will recognize.  Only you know what it is going to take to find them.  Perhaps the angels will smile upon the two of you and help with some old-fashioned happenstance.  Perhaps you will telepathically connect and find your way into each others arms.  Perhaps you were just meant to experience the longing.  Perhaps you will go through some bad relationships first so that when you find your Destiny, she will be that much sweeter and more appreciated.  Nobody knows for sure how it will play out.  But I believe that on some level, deep down, you know.

Did you already meet your soul mate and choose to walk away from each other?  Was the intensity too much?  Did it scare you?  Was it overwhelming?  Was it too hard?  Will you have a second chance with them later down the road?  Will you miss them forever?  Yeah, probably.  Will you learn something about unconditional love from them?  Yeah, probably.

Did you find each other and recognize the fact that they shared the same soul as you?  Did you hold on tight?  Count yourselves as the very rare and incredibly blessed.  Cherish the gift of finding yourself in another's eyes and seeing just how beautiful you are.

The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself Today

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.
Everybody wants that -- it's easy to want that.
If I ask you, "What do you want out of life?" and you say something like, "I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like," it's so ubiquitous that it doesn't even mean anything.
Everyone wants that. So what's the point?
What's more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.
Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence -- but not everyone is willing to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, with the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.
Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship -- but not everyone is willing to go through the tough communication, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder "What if?" for years and years and until the question morphs from "What if?" into "What for?" And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, "What was it all for?" If not for their lowered standards and expectations for themselves 20 years prior, then what for?
Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.
At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we're willing to sustain.
"Nothing good in life comes easy," we've been told that a hundred times before. The good things in life we accomplish are defined by where we enjoy the suffering, where we enjoy the struggle.
People want an amazing physique. But you don't end up with one unless you legitimately love the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.
People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don't end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to love the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not. Some people are wired for that sort of pain, and those are the ones who succeed.
People want a boyfriend or girlfriend. But you don't end up attracting amazing people without loving the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It's part of the game of love. You can't win if you don't play.
What determines your success is "What pain do you want to sustain?"
I wrote in an article last week that I've always loved the idea of being a surfer, yet I've never made consistent effort to surf regularly. Truth is: I don't enjoy the pain that comes with paddling until my arms go numb and having water shot up my nose repeatedly. It's not for me. The cost outweighs the benefit. And that's fine.
On the other hand, I am willing to live out of a suitcase for months on end, to stammer around in a foreign language for hours with people who speak no English to try and buy a cell phone, to get lost in new cities over and over and over again. Because that's the sort of pain and stress I enjoy sustaining. That's where my passion lies, not just in the pleasures, but in the stress and pain.
There's a lot of self development advice out there that says, "You've just got to want it enough!"
That's only partly true. Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something badly enough. They just aren't being honest with themselves about what they actually want that bad.
If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.
If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all.
So I ask you, "How are you willing to suffer?"
Because you have to choose something. You can't have a pain-free life. It can't all be roses and unicorns.
Choose how you are willing to suffer.
Because that's the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.
The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?
Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change your life. It's what makes me me and you you. It's what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.
So what's it going to be?

Mark Manson, the original writer of this piece, is an entrepreneur, author and world traveler.